My Doctors are telling me now that I am coming to the end of my relationship with chemicals as a method of dealing with my parkinson’s. They are saying that my only option is a procedure called DBS or Deep Brain Stimulation - brain surgery. This scares the hell out of me.
Basically the surgeons plant electrodes deep within my brain connected by wires that run to a device implanted under my collar bone. That is a very basic and simple description - it’s really quite complicated and I honestly don’t understand it fully. My ignorance is one of the causes of my fear, it’s human nature to be afraid of things you don’t understand. I am in the process of reading all I can about it, talking to people who have had it done and asking my doctor and others all the questions I can think of. By eliminating my ignorance I should be able to dial down my fear. I hope so. But, it’s still brain surgery, and it scares the hell out of me.
I find it hard to believe that this is my only option. I know how surgeons think - If the only tool you have is a hammer then everything looks like a nail. I am walking a tightrope strung between medical science on one side and my emotions and intuition on the other. What’s below me I don’t know - I only know I don’t want to fall. As I walk this rope, I also will search for alternatives within the conventional medical community and outside of it. Why - because it’s brain surgery and it scares the hell out of me.
I the few dreams I have had about DBS I always wake up dead - this doesn’t scare me. I am not afraid of dying. It’s the stories of individuals who wake up worse than they were before - they can’t feed or wash themselves - they can’t walk - they can’t talk - they can’t laugh - they can’t smile. This is what scares me, for that would be worse than death. That would be a living hell that I refuse to endure. There must be some form of “living will” that I could write up that would say “If I can’t feed myself then no one else can. I should be allowed to starve to death."
Since I’ve never starved to death myself I looked up whether or not it was painful and I surprising found out that most experts say it isn’t - it seems to b a very natural and peaceful way to go, Here’s one quote...
“What my patients have told me over the last 25 years is that when they stop eating and drinking, there’s nothing unpleasant about it — in fact it can be quite blissful and euphoric,” said Dr. Perry G. Fine, vice president of medical affairs at the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization in Arlington, Va. “It’s a very smooth, graceful and elegant way to go.”
I Will Not Be Turned Into A Newt
But my death is more or less a non-issue, for I am not giving up that easily. I am nowhere near to being ready to pass on to the next life, and until I am I plan on fighting with every ounce of my strength this unwanted change of the guard. I’ve heard the phrase adapt or die. That is my motto - my mantra - my muse. And if anyone can kick mr parkinsons butt back to 19th century England its me. I don’t know if you know me, but I am one tough soldier. I am never giving up - never giving in. I will fight him when I’m awake - I’ll fight him when I’m asleep. I will adapt and change until some other natural cause takes me to my final reward. I am the greatest - I am one tough soldier.
I’ve started writing a daily affirmation on the walls of my studio - mostly positive, encouraging statements that help me through the day. I feel that everyone should do something like that, it helps me keep my eyes on he prize., and that prize is life. As long as I keep feeding my soul with hope and faith - love and laughter. As long as I continue to exercise and stay healthy. I'll be able to feed my body with food. I will not go quietly into the good night. I am one tough soldier.
NEXT TIME ON ANDY’S WONDERFUL LIFE
Next time - in the book that is my life are my best years ahead of me or behind me. Kathleen is, of course, the main and most important person in this book, but is the chapter titled Rachael the first or the last. Join me next time and find out.
Love to all of you,
just say yes!
meet Andy Ward King, a professional musician and artist until a diagnosis of parkinons dsease at age 49 forced him into an early retirement., he now uses his music, his art along with the whimsical world he has created in this blog as therapy to ( as he puts it ) outsmart his brain and make the daily battles with parkinson’s a little bit easier, to give him that all important reason to get up on the morning, to make his life worth living. Andy has learned how to say NO to gving up \ NO to depression and apathy \ NO to following willingly the road of decline that stretches before him. he learned that to say no to all of these things all one has to do is say yes. Andy has learned to just say YES to life/\\