The customs and rituals surrounding Christmas and the holiday season are a varied as the people that celebrate them, and it’s safe to say that this tendency towards difference can cause disagreements and plant obstacles in the way of true observance. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate Christmas or any of the other long winters night holidays. Just like there is no wrong or right way to worship God - I believe it’s like Tuesday night dinner here at the GARDEN OF COLORS “Every man for his (or her) self.”
I was raised in a loving household that followed the wisdom of the Great Giraffe, a very obscure and ancient belief that up until this century was not even recognized as a religion by any government on Earth. Some say it wasn’t even started on this planet at all, but we will leave that for comparative ridiculousness class. I’m here to talk about the holidays and how just because someone has alternative methods and motives doesn’t mean they are wrong - if you look hard enough you will find that there aren’t as many differences as you might think.
To avoid persecution followers along the path of the Great Giraffe, who is said to dress like Oscar Wilde, smoke clove cigarettes, and climb trees naked to play the flute, adopted the Christian holiday of Christmas to replace their Winter Solstice celebration of Being Earnest Day. This is what my family did many calendars ago. This is what we still do today. Many of the traditions practiced by Students of the Great Giraffe were replaced by Christian ones, but some remain the same as they were 150 thousand years ago. Time changes nothing but the hands on the clock.
My Father loved Being Earnest Day, or Christmas as we were forced to call it. When I was a little boy growing up in Canadania he would get up early on that cold day in December and march all of us kids down to the "Town Quarry" where the member of the family who had accumulated the most dots of deportment during the year would have the honor of picking out the finest piece of Urbanite they could find - one with lots of color - one a truely dense voice - one with a lot of POP! Then my brothers and I (only boys were allowed to work on Being Earnest Day) would take turns rolling the Christmas Rock down Exclusion Road - through the Valley of Pain and Persecution - up to our house on Reconcile Mountain. It was a glorious time. I can still smell the 90 weight grease my father would spread all over us boys causing us to slip and fall giving the trip across the valley of Pain and Persecution real meaning. My sisters would taunt us and call us names, we got back at them however when it came time to play the reindeer games, games that when I was young used live reindeer. The girls never won, they never had the gumption it takes to eat the heart. We would then fill ourselves drunk on Watermelon Pancakes, GardenSlug pie and Sunburnt Cheese, washing it all down with homemade Hot Green KoolAid. This was leading up to that golden moment when the Great Giraffe would fly over our house in a huge, winged, eggplant colored handbag and throw down fresh velour that our seven mothers would use to make school clothes for the upcoming year. Those memories stay with me today 346 years later; it was the best time of my long life.
I’ve tried to keep those traditions alive for me my 18 wives and 42 children. It has not been easy. There are no more “Town Quarries” they've been replaced by Rokea or RockMart. Real Wild Urbanite (the kind that talks but does not listen) is impossible to find, which is too bad - there is nothing like the sound of a well read, well dressed, erudite piece of Urbanite reciting from memory a "Ripley’s Believe it Or Not" brochure like it was Shakespeare. - nothing at all.
But this year will be different, this year will be spatial - I pulled some strings and because of my recent encounter and subsequent living arrangement / business partnership with a band of Urbanite Gypsies my children will get to experience the joy of a “Real Wild Urbanite Christmas”. We have been studying their dolphin like language.The kids are almost fluent. So on that special night they will sit on their sticky, slug stained hands and listen spellbound to the Urbanite that form our Christmas Rock Tree as they tell them a parable concerning each of the towns in the U.S. where a congressman was born. They’ll then get to ask questions about the Great Giraffe - only to be completely ignored. They will experience the joy and wonder of this wonderful season just as I did so long ago.
It’s going to be a Being Earnest Day miracle!
I have to go now, my Christmas Urbanite has been delivered. I am going to break it up into individual rock personalities,form a tree, tie it to the floor, and polish it with Murphees Rock Soap so the kids can decorate it in the traditional manner with candy and the smallest coin of the realm (in this case a penny which is useless anyway) while I pour myself some Hot Lime KoolAid and sing a carol or two, just to myself.
Oh Urbanite (sung to the tune of Oh Tanenbaum)
How beautiful your voice is
We’re glad you made our choices.
You talk and talk - our ears are sore
and all of us you will ignore
How wonderful your voice is
Pease remember this holiday season to accept those around you who might celebrate Christmas in a different way than you - who might sound or look different than you - who might worship and believe in a different way than you.- who actually might be different than you. It takes many streams to make a river - many rivers to make an ocean, but only one drop to make a tear.
Please remember this, and the words of someone uttered somewhere at sometime.
None of that matters, only the message is important -
PEACE ON EARTH AND GOODWILL TOWARDS EVERYBODY!!!!
FROM THE MR. KING’S PRACTICALLY WORLD FAMOUS GARDEN OF COLORS
People ask me what type of stone is being used in the construction of MKPWFGOC. I have received permission from the estate of M.C. Mescher to now reveal that once classified information. The predominate building material at MKPWFGOC is a rare but common mineral called “Urbanite", found mainly in areas of dense human habitation it is a sedimentary rock with numerous origins. One cubic foot could contain particles from more than 50 countries. It is highly sentient with the intelligence of a eighth grader. It seeks out humans who can understand it's strange dolphin like language. It enjoys playing in fountains and listens to no one; it only speaks. — at Garden of Colors.
just say yes!
meet Andy Ward King, a professional musician and artist until a diagnosis of parkinons dsease at age 49 forced him into an early retirement., he now uses his music, his art along with the whimsical world he has created in this blog as therapy to ( as he puts it ) outsmart his brain and make the daily battles with parkinson’s a little bit easier, to give him that all important reason to get up on the morning, to make his life worth living. Andy has learned how to say NO to gving up \ NO to depression and apathy \ NO to following willingly the road of decline that stretches before him. he learned that to say no to all of these things all one has to do is say yes. Andy has learned to just say YES to life/\\